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janie_tangerineI seriously can't believe I stuck to my schedule.
Title: There Will Come Soft Rains 5/5
Pairings: Dean/Castiel, some Sam/Jess
Rating: NC17
Word count: this part 5786; total 36000
Spoilers: it's totally AU but since I tried to nod at canon as much as I could there are some S4/S5 spoilers. 5x04 mainly.
Summary: Two years after World War III starts, Dean Winchester is a disillusioned former veteran leading a survivors' camp in the former state of Kansas whose life takes a very, very unexpected turn. Starting when he rescues this guy with huge blue eyes named after an angel.
Warnings: this is a post nuclear war fallout setting with everything that it implies. There's violence and descriptions of situations which could be nasty at best and disturbing at least or however possibly upsetting and/or triggering. Also for plot purposes Dean is an Iraq war veteran (the last one, not the Gulf war) and there are sections dealing with it and for that are valid the same warnings.
A/N: written for the AU/AR challenge at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
deancastiel for the prompt There are no angels or demons, and the apocalypse happened with bombs and a very human war.. And, this is where Bobby gets to be awesome and it sort of ends but now I want to write snippets because I had more stuff that wouldn't have fit so who knows. Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV.
It’s the week before what used to be Christmas when Dean gets into the cabin, back from a meeting with people leading nearby camps that happens once each month and from a conversation with Bobby which he doesn’t know what to make of. Even if it’s not exactly about him. He finds Cas placing stuff in the linen chest (and yeah. Two months and now he calls him Cas even in his head. He’s so whipped, as Sam likes to state every time he can, and Jess even supports him, damn the both of them, but you know what? He kinda likes it) and it says something about Cas’ observing skills that he notices that something is off with Dean as soon as their eyes meet.
“Dean? Is there something wrong?”
”Not exactly. Just, is your uncle’s name Zachariah?” Dean asks, glancing at the contents of the linen chest but not really able to tear his eyes from Cas.
”And how would you know that?” Cas asks, looking thoroughly surprised.
“I was talking to Bobby today.”
“Doesn’t he know?”
“Yeah, sure he does. It isn’t about him. It’s that... he told me that he was talking about me and you to someone else at the camp the other day, this other guy who they took in some one year ago stopped and asked them to repeat the names. Turns that he claims he’s a relative of yours or of someone named Castiel, and I don’t think you’re this great lot. He, uh, wants to have a talk with you. In case, he said he’s going to come next week at the supply run in Lawrence. If you want to come, you can just go with me.”
Cas falls sitting on the bed, taking his face between his hands, his body suddenly tensing. Not exactly last January all over again, but nothing too good. Dean wishes he knew what to say here, but he doesn’t. While if the guy has thought things over and wants to patch things up then Dean wants Cas to have it, he realizes there’s a chance that if it’s the case...
“I just can’t believe he would.”
“What?”
“Want to talk to me. Dean, since he found out he had nothing but contempt to spare.”
“Maybe he realized he was wrong. Late is better than never, right? Just, if you think that you might want to...”
A hand grips his elbow and he finds himself brought down and sitting on the mattress right next to Cas, who is looking at him in the determined way again. And hell, it’s a tight grip; it almost hurts.
“I will come with you. As much as I think it won’t end well, I should talk to him. I... I want to know if anyone else survived. Of the ones who didn’t die in Topeka, I mean. And if they did and maybe if we can patch things up I’ll have less of a weight on my shoulders, but if you think that I will ever give this, or you, up, then think about it twice.”
“But... I mean, I know what it means. If someone else survived and they really realized that you’d be better off together... I wouldn’t hold it against you if...”
“Then I’ll be glad to visit them each week at your friend’s camp. And that’s it.”
Well. Dean does like Cas when he gets decisive.
--
Dean doesn’t fail to notice the way Cas starts to get antsy as they drive in Lawrence’s direction; he spends the whole trip tensing gradually and Dean doesn’t miss how he’s torturing a button on his coat probably in order to keep his hands occupied. There’s just one way in from their side and it’s the one he had used that day in January; while he’s pretty sure that Cas is mostly over that, he can’t blame him for being at least slightly freaked out or attempting to drown in that trench. Dean’s hand squeezes Cas’ knee before getting back on the wheel; Cas lets out a breath of relief.
When they get off the car, four people are already there; the one Dean knows are Bobby, Rufus from a camp way nearer to the border and another one named Daniel who’s practically Bobby’s neighbor, while the bald guy who looks something between fifty and sixty must be Cas’ uncle. There’s no one else. Also, it’s painfully obvious that Cas is the only person not carrying a gun in the whole lot. Dean just hopes everything goes smoothly, but then again no one would have a reason not to behave here. What’s between him and Cas is not a secret anyway, not around the area where people know who he is, at least, which is probably good because he doesn’t have to explain anything and there aren’t questions asked.
“Stick close,” Dean whispers before going to shake hands with Rufus and Daniel, while he shares a half-hug with Bobby before the latter turns his attention to Castiel.
“So I finally get to meet you, huh?”
Cas swallows and nods, looking totally out of his element; well, Dean figures, maybe he should have told Bobby to ditch that hideous baseball cap with the darned pig on it. Cas holds out his hand then, obviously going for the polite shake. Bobby takes it and meanwhile gives him a look over before looking at Dean and then patting the poor guy’s shoulder hard.
What.
“Well, you look pretty much okay to me. Glad to have met you. And thanks for keeping an eye on that idjit, I’m sure he’s hard work.”
“Bobby, I’m standing right here if you don’t...”
“Son, shut up and let’s discuss this stuff. Then Rufus and Daniel can start packin’ and those two can have their talk or whatever it’s that they need doin’.”
Dean nods and they begin to go through the usual again; Jesus, he’d rather trade just with Bobby but he can’t do that really, so half an hour goes away bargaining. He has guns but apparently Rufus doesn’t think they’re good enough for penicillin and Dean needs to throw in some alcohol he had hoped to save, but he needs meds alright, especially this time of the year, and so he has to deal. Then, he has some petrol to spare but like hell he’s going to accept Daniel’s canned peas for a change and it takes Bobby backing him up and saying the trade sucks to convince Daniel to throw some paper, a couple of stacks of cigarettes and a box of coats to make it up for it. While Rufus and Daniel argue on their own, Dean and Bobby settle in probably two minutes everything there’s to settle (Dean provides blankets, Bobby’s going to give him a few pounds of sugar and other spare clothes) and meanwhile he can’t help keeping an eye on Cas, who once in a while looks at Zachariah, who once in a while glances at Cas. It’s driving him crazy. When they’re done Bobby goes to the other two and says he’ll start unloading and loading the cars and Dean thanks him. He means to be around when the talk happens, also because hello, there’s the gun issue.
“Is your presence necessary?” is the first thing that Zachariah asks when Dean gets closer. Cas got closer to his uncle too, but he seems half-relieved when he notices Dean’s intentions. Now that he can see Zachariah properly, Dean decides that the guy doesn’t really look much fun. He has the face of some rich TV executive, well, what was a TV executive once. Or maybe not; scratch it, he looks like that specific kind of banker tricking old ladies into buying insurance policies they don’t need or can’t afford. Not that Dean has seen bankers in a long time, but still. Anyway, he promises anything but good news, but he’s still what’s left of Cas’ family and he won’t get in the way. After all, you choose your friends, not your relatives.
“I’m afraid so, but I can back off some if you really think it’s necessary,” he answers, fighting his urge to add dick at the end of the sentence. He shares a look with Cas, then indeed backs off and turns his right side at the two of them. He’ll still hear things, but not much and he knows that Cas has noticed it. He just keeps close enough to keep an eye on how it goes and to shoot if something happens.
“Long time no see,” he hears faintly in the background. It’s muffled, like the person talking was way farther. Zachariah, though. His voice is almost cheerful. Good for him if he can find it in himself to feel cheerful.
“It wasn’t my choice,” Cas answers softly, and Dean barely distinguishes it.
“True, true, it wasn’t. I see that you look good, though. Even if it seems like you haven’t picked up much useful habits.”
That’s when Dean realizes the guy is not here to patch anything up. He sees Cas taking a breath and staring at the shotgun Zachariah holds at his side like he isn’t exactly sure he isn’t hallucinating, but then he shakes his head and ignores the remark.
“What about Michael and...”
“They’re dead.”
Dean glances at Cas and sees him visibly wincing. Damn. Why did he agree to back off, again?
“Which means it’s just us both.”
“How... how did it...”
“I really don’t think you’re entitled to ask, Castiel, since you are seemingly faring so well.”
Dean hears and even if it’s muffled in some kind of haze, he can hear the venom.
“Don’t you try to turn this on me,” Cas answers then, his voice straight and firm and determined and Dean actually feels proud. “I would have never left if you hadn’t decided that I was better off elsewhere. And you decided it, Michael did try to argue if you remember. Because I do. And if there’s one thing I wish now is to be able to thank him. I never asked for you to bring me out that night, I never asked for your contempt and I never was the one deciding to split up. And it was always you calling the shots. Don’t try to make it my fault because if I learned anything since it happened is that it wasn’t.”
“Woah, you did grow a pair since then. Even if apparently not enough to defend yourself.”
“That’s not the point. I get by just fine even without that,” Cas answers, glancing at the shotgun again. “Tell me what you want. I hoped you wanted to meet me so that we could start over, but I see that it isn’t going to happen. It’s alright, I wasn’t really thinking it would. But I wanted to know about the others, and now I do. So just say it. Maybe it might come as a surprise to you, but I do have a life and at this point I would really like to get back to it.”
“Well, that was the reason I wanted to see you. Sincerely, I hadn’t thought you’d survive one week out there and God help me, it’d have just served you right if you hadn’t.”
Dean winces himself. If only it wasn’t an unspoken rule not to kill someone in here while trading he’d have shot the asshole already.
“And then I find out that out of fourteen people you’re the only one who’s still alive and after what you did? I was surprised there, let me tell you. I just wanted to check for myself.”
“Except that I didn’t do anything.”
“Oh, you did something. Starting with disgracing us all, to say one, and...”
“Are you still hung up on that? Does... does it even still matter? Did you realize what happened? It’s just... you can’t seriously believe that whoever I choose to be with matters over everything at this point. I... I really can’t believe you on this. You know. I did for some time. Believe I was a disgrace, I mean.”
“You did?”
“Not anymore.”
“Why, do you think that your precious little life changes anything?”
“Joke about it all you want, but you can’t even imagine how much I suffered then. Or maybe you can, but at least you were the one deciding it. Or how much I’m suffering now. Or how much I would have wanted to say goodbye to all of them. I really thought that He had forsaken me. But I’m here and what I have is more than I could have hoped for and for that I’m grateful every single second. If He really hated me as much as you claim, then I wouldn’t even be here having this conversation.”
“So you’re being grateful because you’re having your little affair with a guy who first time I heard about him was on the brink of a nervous breakdown? That’s a way to see it, Ca...”
That’s when Dean stops pretending not to listen. Until then it was Cas’ thing to deal with, but now it became personal and Zachariah shuts up abruptly when Dean storms back into the picture. Cas looks pretty much like he wants to be anywhere but here and Dean will see that it happens soon. He doesn’t particularly want to be here, too.
“You said you were going to back off,” Zachariah says, not looking particularly pleased.
“Yeah, and I did, and I even turned you my side from where I don’t hear much, but I’m afraid you were being too loud. Now, I’m not punching you right there in the face just because you’re still related to him and because the three guys over there, they’d kick my ass and they’d be right because rules are rules. Actually, be thankful that I stick to rules, when there are any. But, just let me get a couple of things straight. First of all, I’m currently fucking peachy and while one year ago I wasn’t in my best shape, I was never close to any nervous breakdown.” Right, maybe this one isn’t entirely true since he thinks he had come close to it, but this isn’t really the place to bring up details. He never got one and that’s all that matters. “Second, I don’t do affairs. Never really did, but even if it was the case, I’d have given it up way before this whole fuckery started. Third, I’m pretty much a licensed atheist and differently from our common acquaintance over there I really don’t think anyone is watching out there for me or us, but if someone was there, then from the way I see it you’d be dead wrong.”
“What are you implying here?”
“Doesn’t it seem you a bit strange that he’d be the one surviving out of you all if said someone didn’t give a shit about him? And if He likes you so much, why is that that you’re on your own now? Also, you just threw out of the window the one chance you had to patch things up with your only living relative, and really, congratulations. Real smart, if you ask me. If there’s someone up there, I definitely think they like him more than they like you, or maybe they’re trying to make you see that you’re fucking up all over the line and you just don’t get it. And possibly they like me, too.”
“I really doubt He’d like you. What makes you think that?” Zachariah spits, even if Dean can see that he hit the target there. He calmly shows off his best smirk and gets ready to deal the final blow.
“Oh, you know, I met your nephew over there, just to say one. Regarding that, I kind of need to thank you because it wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for your... indirect doing, let’s say. Though really, you want to know my honest opinion? Because for all I’m concerned, we’re all on our fucking own, and if it’s the case then me and him, we both had a chance and we damn right took it, while you just fucked things up and that’s your mess to deal with. Have a great day,” he finishes before checking behind him. Cas is there and looking at him in something like awe; Dean just takes his elbow and when he receives a nod he drags Cas away and leaves the idiot gaping.
Serves him just fine.
“Listen, I need to finish helping unloading stuff. Can you wait for me on the car?” he asks softly when they’re far enough; Cas nods and gets on the passenger seat, Dean takes a breath and goes to Bobby in order to give him a hand.
“How did that go?” Bobby asks as he hands Dean a box full of sugar packets.
“Utter disaster,” Dean answers earnestly. Bobby sighs.
”I figured. I mean, guy’s a dick, but you can’t just throw people out. And he lost his family too, what the hell. Even if from what I gathered he was doing a fucking poor job of keeping them safe. That’s probably why he’s so fucking bitter when he sees that someone got it better than he did.”
Dean chuckles at that. “You have a point. And I guess you can’t, throw him out I mean, and you shouldn’t. Maybe he’ll learn somethin’. Just don’t let him start preaching.”
“Son, first thing I told ‘im when he said he was a preacher was that the second he started preachin’ he was out.”
Dean bites back a laugh as he imagines the scene. He thinks he’d have paid to see it.
“Hey. I heard somethin’ of what he said back there. Just, he’s full of shit and he don’t have an idea about how he should deal with things. Don’t mind him. I mean, he was startin’ to faint when he caught two guys kissing behind a cabin and I had to tell him to suck it up ‘cause I’m the one deciding anyway. Whatever’s going on between you two, one can see from a mile that it ain’t stupid. And I need to agree with your brother, it’s good for you. Whatever it means.”
“Thanks,” Dean mouths softly, and it was everything he needed to hear.
--
Cas is silent and not looking in his direction when Dean gets on the car. He wordlessly starts it and tries to come up with something to say, which is not exactly easy because what do you say after that?
It isn’t until they’re in some godforsaken completely empty space between the camp and Lawrence (which is thankfully too far for anyone wanting to ambush them but still, not near enough the camp to be declared 100% safe) that he sees the way Cas’ shoulders are shaking and that he’s trying to muffle already soft noises in the coat.
And then he realizes that since that January he has never seen Cas cry over this, not even once. Well, he figures everyone reaches a breaking point and sincerely, he's surprised it took this long. He stops the car and reaches out, gripping softly Cas’ shoulder, feeling the coat beneath his fingers. Cas half turns until he’s staring at the desolation in front of him. And yeah, he’s crying and not even trying to stop it.
“Sorry. I... hoped it’d be over before we reached the camp and maybe I could have spared you, but seems like... I just... I don’t know what to do with it.”
”What do you mean?”
“I never... I figure that... for all this time I just thought it was all temporary. That someday I’d meet them all again and we’d at least be civil. Or that they’d want to see me again. Now he’s the only one left, I’ll... I’ll never have the chance to see any of them again, he made it clear that he doesn’t want us to... it’s just done and... I can’t help this. I just can’t...”
Dean pulls the brake up and turns off the engine.
“Dean, are you crazy? You can’t stop here, we’re in plain sight!”
“Yeah, and there’s still light and no one ever comes this far anyway. Get over here.”
“What?”
“I said get over here. I know that it’s uncomfortable but as you pointed out, we’re in the middle of nowhere and the back is full of crap.”
For a second Dean thinks that the idiot’s rant might have had some effect after all, but the next one Cas has awkwardly managed to climb over the transmission gear and he’s in Dean’s arms and yeah, it’s fucking uncomfortable but Dean just gets the seat as far behind as possible and isn’t it fun that he ended up doing for Cas the same thing he did for him once? No, he thinks, it really isn’t, and then he just carefully starts threading his fingers through Cas’ hair. He can’t really do much more and he can’t find anything to say, but maybe this is enough. Also, the next time he meets the idiot, if he does, he’s so going to punch him at least.
He looks at the sky in front of him meanwhile and it’s still that weird, creepy red-behind-the-clouds shade which makes it look like blood is dripping from it.
He hates that so much it isn’t even fun. He concentrates on bringing Cas closer. At a certain point the sniffing and the shaking slow down, but Dean doesn’t even try to let go there.
“Hey. You know he’s full of shit, right?”
“That’s... that’s a way to put it,” comes from someplace near his shoulder, and Dean is glad that at least Cas sounds slightly like he isn’t disagreeing too much.
“I’m sorry. For him too. Especially for him. He doesn’t know what he’s missing, but... his own fucking problem. Not yours and not mine.”
“Well, as long as you appreciate...”
Cas raises his head and sounds like he’s half-joking, but Dean doesn’t miss any possible implications and then just takes Cas’ chin in his hands, as careful as he can, and they kiss, and Dean was really trying to keep it just a kiss, but for once Cas takes the initiative and it becomes so not chaste, not when Cas’ tongue starts attempting to part his lips after maybe ten seconds. Dean lets him and then he’s being kissed like Cas was starved for it, and even if he tastes salt Dean doesn’t care and just kisses back as hard as he can. Cas moans into his mouth a couple of times and it’s almost obscene for how much it turns Dean on; not that Cas isn’t helping here, since his hands are trying to touch him anywhere they can reach. Dean sneaks his own under the coat and the shirt Cas is wearing and he brings him closer when he finds the small of his back. By this point they have started rubbing against each other without much finesse, not that he cares, and then he realizes that they are in a fucking car in the middle of fucking nowhere and they’re totally both so turned on; he can’t help laughing, and then Cas is doing that too even if he’s probably doing it because Dean is. He’s still half-crying but even if his eyes are slightly red and there are tear traces on his cheeks he sounds alright and Dean just laughs harder.
“What...” Cas asks, shaking his head.
“Jesus Christ, we’re groping each other in a freaking car. Last time I did this I was seventeen and the biggest problem around were cops possibly catching us.”
“Well, I never had the pleasure to do this whole car business, but I’ll agree that maybe we... Dean!”
Never say that Dean Winchester isn’t one for challenges, Dean thinks as his fingers unzip Cas’ jeans and then slowly bring them down. He tries not to undress him too much because it’s fucking cold, but still, he doesn’t really need much uncovered here.
“Well, I didn’t have the pleasure of doing somethin’ so risky in ages. Well, risky as far as it doesn’t imply ambushing someone. Why not?”
“Oh... God, Dean, you’re... you’re completely crazy, but... oh, God!”
“You really can’t lay that off while doing this, huh?” Dean asks as he angles Cas to a half-comfortable position with a hand steadying his shoulders and the other one on his cock, stroking slowly. “And I know I am. Isn’t that a good part of the reason you like me so much anyway?” he whispers, but Cas is clearly beyond worrying about what he’s saying and he’s definitely concentrating on what Dean’s doing. Which would consist in stroking just a bit faster, and then just a bit faster, his fingers reaching all the right places and well, you know, apart from being quite skilled here, Dean also knows exactly what it is that can get Cas off the most effective way. After four months, he knows it indeed, and he smirks as Cas’ head presses against his shoulder and he whispers, harder.
It doesn’t take much, as he had figured anyway; Cas comes hard against Dean’s hand a short while later, his face covered in a thin layer of sweat, ending up falling bonelessly against Dean (but Dean was already keeping Cas’ shoulders steady, so he was bracing himself for it). The windows of the car are pretty much steamed up and while Dean should also take care of his own business there, he’s so comfortable right now that it really can wait. Also, this wasn’t about him. It can wait. He doesn’t move until Cas raises his head, nods at him and starts pulling up his clothes again, even if in the cramped space it’s way, way hard.
“Dean?” Cas asks when he has buttoned the coat up and reached his seat again.
“Yeah?”
“Just... let’s go home?”
“Alright,” Dean answers as he turns on the engine, and since he really doesn’t need his right hand he lets it rest on the gear lever and when Cas’ covers it he speeds up.
January 24th, 2010
Dean Winchester is perfectly willing to admit that his brother is absolutely right, at times. So when this morning he was supposed to go on the supply run and Sam tried last year’s stunt, Dean had promptly said that Sam was indeed right and that today it was indeed his day off, and he would take care of everything, wouldn’t he?
Sam had nodded, looking pretty much utterly shocked, and Dean had returned into his cabin and into his bed which was definitely warm, not to mention not empty.
Today he feels especially good, though. Maybe because the day hadn’t brought anything to celebrate for years and now not only he feels like acknowledging it but it’s not just about his birthday anymore. Really, that’s the least.
It’s cold outside when he steps out; for a change, the sky is so white that it’s almost blinding to look at. Another wacky reaction that included some crap regarding the sun, rays reflecting and the perpetual clouds, but it’s not like he ever understood why it was like that so he just lets it go and goes to get something to eat instead. For the probably fifth time since he’s been here he actually sits at one table and Ellen is so shocked that she doesn’t even send him away because he came in way too late or way too early, depends how you look at it. She even gives him some out-of-rationing chocolate and he figures it’s good enough. Five minutes later he’s still nursing his coffee and Cas gets into the room and sits in front of him, the stupid coat still completely closed.
“Hey.”
“So you’re taking a vacation, I gather?”
“For once.”
“I can’t say that it doesn’t make me very pleased.”
“Does it now?”
Cas smiles softly, his hand grabbing Dean’s on the table, and he just loves how it’s such a normal gesture, something they could have done in some random diner in a world that doesn’t exist anymore. He grabs it back. Chuck passes by and whistles at the both of them. Dean tells him to fuck off, today everyone refers to Sam. Chuck raises an eyebrow, smiles nervously and disappears out of the door.
“Why do you always need to scare him?”
“Cas, the heck of a question. ‘S fun.”
“I doubt he agrees.”
Dean rolls his eyes, puts the remaining half of his chocolate in his pocket and stands up; Cas follows him and Dean wonders if he shouldn’t force him to eat something, but for now he’ll let it go. He feels just so good today that he just wants to enjoy it, knee hurting like fuck notwithstanding, even though now he can’t help making up all kinds of idiotic shit in his head.
“What are you thinking about?”
Touché. Cas does have a timing, huh.
“Nothin’. Just... if the world wasn’t so fucked up right now we could be having some serious coffee somewhere. And you know, actually do something instead of hole up here.”
“It could be worse, couldn’t it?”
“Well, yeah. Could be. Always the one seeing the glass half full, huh?”
“If it isn’t you, someone has to.”
“You’ve got a point, too. Hey, wanna take a walk?”
Cas nods and Dean stands up, waves at Ellen and they get outside. The air is cold, but for the first time in ages it almost feels clean. Even if it’s ridiculous that it’s half past nine in the morning and Dean can barely distinguish his shadow, for how blinding the light above him is. He walks slowly, Cas next to him. They somehow end up at that point in front of the fence where they kissed first and Dean feels like the worst sap ever existed, but then again they already go around camp holding fucking hands; his image is ruined anyway.
He wraps an arm around Cas’ waist and sighs when Cas leans back into him with such ease, like he always belonged there. He presses his cheek against Cas’ temple and sighs in contentment. He still isn’t anywhere near believing that someone is up there, but if there is, then they really have a thing for Dean. A huge thing. He tightens his hold and then Cas’ hand covers his own, their fingers intertwining, and if Dean thinks that last year at this time he was arguing with Sam and cursing his knee in his head... he tries not to think about it. The only similar thing is that his knee hurts like fuck, but that’s more often than not anyway.
“Dean?”
“Yeah?”
Cas reaches into the pocket of his coat with his free hand and presses something wrapped in a piece of that paper Chuck is always asking into Dean’s other free hand.
“What...”
“It isn’t exactly fancy, sorry for that.”
The piece of paper is actually all written on; Cas’ handwriting, alright. Dean thinks he can distinguish information about Gettysburg. He shakes his head and unwraps the already poor package, even if there’s something in the way Cas has actually folded it neatly that is almost cute. There are a couple of bars of chocolate inside.
Apple flavored. He’s out of his element for a second before he remembers that right before they kissed he had blathered about that dream in detail.
“First of all, where the hell did you find this? I... I can’t believe you remembered that.” Because dammit, sometimes random flavored chocolate ends up in the rations, but most times it’s plain dark. Or milk, or if you’re really lucky raspberry flavored, but how could someone find even a specific flavor is out of Dean’s imagination.
“Of course I remember that. About your first question... you don’t want to know. If you ask Ellen and Chuck they’ll probably say that I was a thorough nuisance during the last couple of months. It’s not exactly the same thing but you do with what you have.”
“Well, I’m more than fine with letting you three keep your secret,” Dean answers before placing the bars in his pocket and proceeding with kissing Cas senseless. He doubts that he’ll ever eat that stuff anytime soon, but just the fact that Cas remembered it and took the effort to find something close to it is enough to make him feel grateful.
“I’ll... I have this idea that I’ll keep at least one of these for the day I see a real apple again. And... thank you. You didn’t have to.”
“I would disagree about this. I did. Or... well, I wanted to anyway.”
“Fuck, you don’t know how glad I am that last year I didn’t listen to Sam. Best idea I ever had all my life.”
“Oh, I believe I do,” Cas whispers turning around in Dean’s arms and cupping his face with long, cold fingers that seem to instantaneously heat when they touch Dean’s skin. “And while I usually believe that Sam’s ideas are generally more sensed than yours...”
“... hey!”
“... there isn’t a single second that passes when I’m not grateful that you didn’t listen to him.”
Dean brings him closer tugging on the coat, feeling so happy that it almost hurts, and as he kisses Cas, he can’t help whispering yeah, me too against lips which shouldn’t be as chapped as they are. The cold, probably. He runs his tongue over them before kissing Cas again; Cas just closes any space that remained between them as his tongue meets Dean’s and it’s almost scary that it just seems like he can’t ever have enough. Not that he complains here, as long as he can keep on doing this, and he’s intent on doing this for a fucking lot of time.
He shivers all over for a second and for the same second he thinks, irrationally because that’s just how it is, that he can feel radioactivity leaking from the sky, the whiteness above him everything but comfortable, but it’s probably just because he still can’t help assuming the worst. He needs to work on that. This isn’t the case, he repeats in his head. They’re here and it’s now and well, this once he’ll make an effort and see the glass half full. After all, in front of him, or better, pressed against him with hands closed around Dean’s waist like they never want to let go, there’s the living proof that good things do happen. For now it’s everything he could ask for.
End.
Title: There Will Come Soft Rains 5/5
Pairings: Dean/Castiel, some Sam/Jess
Rating: NC17
Word count: this part 5786; total 36000
Spoilers: it's totally AU but since I tried to nod at canon as much as I could there are some S4/S5 spoilers. 5x04 mainly.
Summary: Two years after World War III starts, Dean Winchester is a disillusioned former veteran leading a survivors' camp in the former state of Kansas whose life takes a very, very unexpected turn. Starting when he rescues this guy with huge blue eyes named after an angel.
Warnings: this is a post nuclear war fallout setting with everything that it implies. There's violence and descriptions of situations which could be nasty at best and disturbing at least or however possibly upsetting and/or triggering. Also for plot purposes Dean is an Iraq war veteran (the last one, not the Gulf war) and there are sections dealing with it and for that are valid the same warnings.
A/N: written for the AU/AR challenge at
deancastiel for the prompt There are no angels or demons, and the apocalypse happened with bombs and a very human war.. And, this is where Bobby gets to be awesome and it sort of ends but now I want to write snippets because I had more stuff that wouldn't have fit so who knows. Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV.It’s the week before what used to be Christmas when Dean gets into the cabin, back from a meeting with people leading nearby camps that happens once each month and from a conversation with Bobby which he doesn’t know what to make of. Even if it’s not exactly about him. He finds Cas placing stuff in the linen chest (and yeah. Two months and now he calls him Cas even in his head. He’s so whipped, as Sam likes to state every time he can, and Jess even supports him, damn the both of them, but you know what? He kinda likes it) and it says something about Cas’ observing skills that he notices that something is off with Dean as soon as their eyes meet.
“Dean? Is there something wrong?”
”Not exactly. Just, is your uncle’s name Zachariah?” Dean asks, glancing at the contents of the linen chest but not really able to tear his eyes from Cas.
”And how would you know that?” Cas asks, looking thoroughly surprised.
“I was talking to Bobby today.”
“Doesn’t he know?”
“Yeah, sure he does. It isn’t about him. It’s that... he told me that he was talking about me and you to someone else at the camp the other day, this other guy who they took in some one year ago stopped and asked them to repeat the names. Turns that he claims he’s a relative of yours or of someone named Castiel, and I don’t think you’re this great lot. He, uh, wants to have a talk with you. In case, he said he’s going to come next week at the supply run in Lawrence. If you want to come, you can just go with me.”
Cas falls sitting on the bed, taking his face between his hands, his body suddenly tensing. Not exactly last January all over again, but nothing too good. Dean wishes he knew what to say here, but he doesn’t. While if the guy has thought things over and wants to patch things up then Dean wants Cas to have it, he realizes there’s a chance that if it’s the case...
“I just can’t believe he would.”
“What?”
“Want to talk to me. Dean, since he found out he had nothing but contempt to spare.”
“Maybe he realized he was wrong. Late is better than never, right? Just, if you think that you might want to...”
A hand grips his elbow and he finds himself brought down and sitting on the mattress right next to Cas, who is looking at him in the determined way again. And hell, it’s a tight grip; it almost hurts.
“I will come with you. As much as I think it won’t end well, I should talk to him. I... I want to know if anyone else survived. Of the ones who didn’t die in Topeka, I mean. And if they did and maybe if we can patch things up I’ll have less of a weight on my shoulders, but if you think that I will ever give this, or you, up, then think about it twice.”
“But... I mean, I know what it means. If someone else survived and they really realized that you’d be better off together... I wouldn’t hold it against you if...”
“Then I’ll be glad to visit them each week at your friend’s camp. And that’s it.”
Well. Dean does like Cas when he gets decisive.
--
Dean doesn’t fail to notice the way Cas starts to get antsy as they drive in Lawrence’s direction; he spends the whole trip tensing gradually and Dean doesn’t miss how he’s torturing a button on his coat probably in order to keep his hands occupied. There’s just one way in from their side and it’s the one he had used that day in January; while he’s pretty sure that Cas is mostly over that, he can’t blame him for being at least slightly freaked out or attempting to drown in that trench. Dean’s hand squeezes Cas’ knee before getting back on the wheel; Cas lets out a breath of relief.
When they get off the car, four people are already there; the one Dean knows are Bobby, Rufus from a camp way nearer to the border and another one named Daniel who’s practically Bobby’s neighbor, while the bald guy who looks something between fifty and sixty must be Cas’ uncle. There’s no one else. Also, it’s painfully obvious that Cas is the only person not carrying a gun in the whole lot. Dean just hopes everything goes smoothly, but then again no one would have a reason not to behave here. What’s between him and Cas is not a secret anyway, not around the area where people know who he is, at least, which is probably good because he doesn’t have to explain anything and there aren’t questions asked.
“Stick close,” Dean whispers before going to shake hands with Rufus and Daniel, while he shares a half-hug with Bobby before the latter turns his attention to Castiel.
“So I finally get to meet you, huh?”
Cas swallows and nods, looking totally out of his element; well, Dean figures, maybe he should have told Bobby to ditch that hideous baseball cap with the darned pig on it. Cas holds out his hand then, obviously going for the polite shake. Bobby takes it and meanwhile gives him a look over before looking at Dean and then patting the poor guy’s shoulder hard.
What.
“Well, you look pretty much okay to me. Glad to have met you. And thanks for keeping an eye on that idjit, I’m sure he’s hard work.”
“Bobby, I’m standing right here if you don’t...”
“Son, shut up and let’s discuss this stuff. Then Rufus and Daniel can start packin’ and those two can have their talk or whatever it’s that they need doin’.”
Dean nods and they begin to go through the usual again; Jesus, he’d rather trade just with Bobby but he can’t do that really, so half an hour goes away bargaining. He has guns but apparently Rufus doesn’t think they’re good enough for penicillin and Dean needs to throw in some alcohol he had hoped to save, but he needs meds alright, especially this time of the year, and so he has to deal. Then, he has some petrol to spare but like hell he’s going to accept Daniel’s canned peas for a change and it takes Bobby backing him up and saying the trade sucks to convince Daniel to throw some paper, a couple of stacks of cigarettes and a box of coats to make it up for it. While Rufus and Daniel argue on their own, Dean and Bobby settle in probably two minutes everything there’s to settle (Dean provides blankets, Bobby’s going to give him a few pounds of sugar and other spare clothes) and meanwhile he can’t help keeping an eye on Cas, who once in a while looks at Zachariah, who once in a while glances at Cas. It’s driving him crazy. When they’re done Bobby goes to the other two and says he’ll start unloading and loading the cars and Dean thanks him. He means to be around when the talk happens, also because hello, there’s the gun issue.
“Is your presence necessary?” is the first thing that Zachariah asks when Dean gets closer. Cas got closer to his uncle too, but he seems half-relieved when he notices Dean’s intentions. Now that he can see Zachariah properly, Dean decides that the guy doesn’t really look much fun. He has the face of some rich TV executive, well, what was a TV executive once. Or maybe not; scratch it, he looks like that specific kind of banker tricking old ladies into buying insurance policies they don’t need or can’t afford. Not that Dean has seen bankers in a long time, but still. Anyway, he promises anything but good news, but he’s still what’s left of Cas’ family and he won’t get in the way. After all, you choose your friends, not your relatives.
“I’m afraid so, but I can back off some if you really think it’s necessary,” he answers, fighting his urge to add dick at the end of the sentence. He shares a look with Cas, then indeed backs off and turns his right side at the two of them. He’ll still hear things, but not much and he knows that Cas has noticed it. He just keeps close enough to keep an eye on how it goes and to shoot if something happens.
“Long time no see,” he hears faintly in the background. It’s muffled, like the person talking was way farther. Zachariah, though. His voice is almost cheerful. Good for him if he can find it in himself to feel cheerful.
“It wasn’t my choice,” Cas answers softly, and Dean barely distinguishes it.
“True, true, it wasn’t. I see that you look good, though. Even if it seems like you haven’t picked up much useful habits.”
That’s when Dean realizes the guy is not here to patch anything up. He sees Cas taking a breath and staring at the shotgun Zachariah holds at his side like he isn’t exactly sure he isn’t hallucinating, but then he shakes his head and ignores the remark.
“What about Michael and...”
“They’re dead.”
Dean glances at Cas and sees him visibly wincing. Damn. Why did he agree to back off, again?
“Which means it’s just us both.”
“How... how did it...”
“I really don’t think you’re entitled to ask, Castiel, since you are seemingly faring so well.”
Dean hears and even if it’s muffled in some kind of haze, he can hear the venom.
“Don’t you try to turn this on me,” Cas answers then, his voice straight and firm and determined and Dean actually feels proud. “I would have never left if you hadn’t decided that I was better off elsewhere. And you decided it, Michael did try to argue if you remember. Because I do. And if there’s one thing I wish now is to be able to thank him. I never asked for you to bring me out that night, I never asked for your contempt and I never was the one deciding to split up. And it was always you calling the shots. Don’t try to make it my fault because if I learned anything since it happened is that it wasn’t.”
“Woah, you did grow a pair since then. Even if apparently not enough to defend yourself.”
“That’s not the point. I get by just fine even without that,” Cas answers, glancing at the shotgun again. “Tell me what you want. I hoped you wanted to meet me so that we could start over, but I see that it isn’t going to happen. It’s alright, I wasn’t really thinking it would. But I wanted to know about the others, and now I do. So just say it. Maybe it might come as a surprise to you, but I do have a life and at this point I would really like to get back to it.”
“Well, that was the reason I wanted to see you. Sincerely, I hadn’t thought you’d survive one week out there and God help me, it’d have just served you right if you hadn’t.”
Dean winces himself. If only it wasn’t an unspoken rule not to kill someone in here while trading he’d have shot the asshole already.
“And then I find out that out of fourteen people you’re the only one who’s still alive and after what you did? I was surprised there, let me tell you. I just wanted to check for myself.”
“Except that I didn’t do anything.”
“Oh, you did something. Starting with disgracing us all, to say one, and...”
“Are you still hung up on that? Does... does it even still matter? Did you realize what happened? It’s just... you can’t seriously believe that whoever I choose to be with matters over everything at this point. I... I really can’t believe you on this. You know. I did for some time. Believe I was a disgrace, I mean.”
“You did?”
“Not anymore.”
“Why, do you think that your precious little life changes anything?”
“Joke about it all you want, but you can’t even imagine how much I suffered then. Or maybe you can, but at least you were the one deciding it. Or how much I’m suffering now. Or how much I would have wanted to say goodbye to all of them. I really thought that He had forsaken me. But I’m here and what I have is more than I could have hoped for and for that I’m grateful every single second. If He really hated me as much as you claim, then I wouldn’t even be here having this conversation.”
“So you’re being grateful because you’re having your little affair with a guy who first time I heard about him was on the brink of a nervous breakdown? That’s a way to see it, Ca...”
That’s when Dean stops pretending not to listen. Until then it was Cas’ thing to deal with, but now it became personal and Zachariah shuts up abruptly when Dean storms back into the picture. Cas looks pretty much like he wants to be anywhere but here and Dean will see that it happens soon. He doesn’t particularly want to be here, too.
“You said you were going to back off,” Zachariah says, not looking particularly pleased.
“Yeah, and I did, and I even turned you my side from where I don’t hear much, but I’m afraid you were being too loud. Now, I’m not punching you right there in the face just because you’re still related to him and because the three guys over there, they’d kick my ass and they’d be right because rules are rules. Actually, be thankful that I stick to rules, when there are any. But, just let me get a couple of things straight. First of all, I’m currently fucking peachy and while one year ago I wasn’t in my best shape, I was never close to any nervous breakdown.” Right, maybe this one isn’t entirely true since he thinks he had come close to it, but this isn’t really the place to bring up details. He never got one and that’s all that matters. “Second, I don’t do affairs. Never really did, but even if it was the case, I’d have given it up way before this whole fuckery started. Third, I’m pretty much a licensed atheist and differently from our common acquaintance over there I really don’t think anyone is watching out there for me or us, but if someone was there, then from the way I see it you’d be dead wrong.”
“What are you implying here?”
“Doesn’t it seem you a bit strange that he’d be the one surviving out of you all if said someone didn’t give a shit about him? And if He likes you so much, why is that that you’re on your own now? Also, you just threw out of the window the one chance you had to patch things up with your only living relative, and really, congratulations. Real smart, if you ask me. If there’s someone up there, I definitely think they like him more than they like you, or maybe they’re trying to make you see that you’re fucking up all over the line and you just don’t get it. And possibly they like me, too.”
“I really doubt He’d like you. What makes you think that?” Zachariah spits, even if Dean can see that he hit the target there. He calmly shows off his best smirk and gets ready to deal the final blow.
“Oh, you know, I met your nephew over there, just to say one. Regarding that, I kind of need to thank you because it wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for your... indirect doing, let’s say. Though really, you want to know my honest opinion? Because for all I’m concerned, we’re all on our fucking own, and if it’s the case then me and him, we both had a chance and we damn right took it, while you just fucked things up and that’s your mess to deal with. Have a great day,” he finishes before checking behind him. Cas is there and looking at him in something like awe; Dean just takes his elbow and when he receives a nod he drags Cas away and leaves the idiot gaping.
Serves him just fine.
“Listen, I need to finish helping unloading stuff. Can you wait for me on the car?” he asks softly when they’re far enough; Cas nods and gets on the passenger seat, Dean takes a breath and goes to Bobby in order to give him a hand.
“How did that go?” Bobby asks as he hands Dean a box full of sugar packets.
“Utter disaster,” Dean answers earnestly. Bobby sighs.
”I figured. I mean, guy’s a dick, but you can’t just throw people out. And he lost his family too, what the hell. Even if from what I gathered he was doing a fucking poor job of keeping them safe. That’s probably why he’s so fucking bitter when he sees that someone got it better than he did.”
Dean chuckles at that. “You have a point. And I guess you can’t, throw him out I mean, and you shouldn’t. Maybe he’ll learn somethin’. Just don’t let him start preaching.”
“Son, first thing I told ‘im when he said he was a preacher was that the second he started preachin’ he was out.”
Dean bites back a laugh as he imagines the scene. He thinks he’d have paid to see it.
“Hey. I heard somethin’ of what he said back there. Just, he’s full of shit and he don’t have an idea about how he should deal with things. Don’t mind him. I mean, he was startin’ to faint when he caught two guys kissing behind a cabin and I had to tell him to suck it up ‘cause I’m the one deciding anyway. Whatever’s going on between you two, one can see from a mile that it ain’t stupid. And I need to agree with your brother, it’s good for you. Whatever it means.”
“Thanks,” Dean mouths softly, and it was everything he needed to hear.
--
Cas is silent and not looking in his direction when Dean gets on the car. He wordlessly starts it and tries to come up with something to say, which is not exactly easy because what do you say after that?
It isn’t until they’re in some godforsaken completely empty space between the camp and Lawrence (which is thankfully too far for anyone wanting to ambush them but still, not near enough the camp to be declared 100% safe) that he sees the way Cas’ shoulders are shaking and that he’s trying to muffle already soft noises in the coat.
And then he realizes that since that January he has never seen Cas cry over this, not even once. Well, he figures everyone reaches a breaking point and sincerely, he's surprised it took this long. He stops the car and reaches out, gripping softly Cas’ shoulder, feeling the coat beneath his fingers. Cas half turns until he’s staring at the desolation in front of him. And yeah, he’s crying and not even trying to stop it.
“Sorry. I... hoped it’d be over before we reached the camp and maybe I could have spared you, but seems like... I just... I don’t know what to do with it.”
”What do you mean?”
“I never... I figure that... for all this time I just thought it was all temporary. That someday I’d meet them all again and we’d at least be civil. Or that they’d want to see me again. Now he’s the only one left, I’ll... I’ll never have the chance to see any of them again, he made it clear that he doesn’t want us to... it’s just done and... I can’t help this. I just can’t...”
Dean pulls the brake up and turns off the engine.
“Dean, are you crazy? You can’t stop here, we’re in plain sight!”
“Yeah, and there’s still light and no one ever comes this far anyway. Get over here.”
“What?”
“I said get over here. I know that it’s uncomfortable but as you pointed out, we’re in the middle of nowhere and the back is full of crap.”
For a second Dean thinks that the idiot’s rant might have had some effect after all, but the next one Cas has awkwardly managed to climb over the transmission gear and he’s in Dean’s arms and yeah, it’s fucking uncomfortable but Dean just gets the seat as far behind as possible and isn’t it fun that he ended up doing for Cas the same thing he did for him once? No, he thinks, it really isn’t, and then he just carefully starts threading his fingers through Cas’ hair. He can’t really do much more and he can’t find anything to say, but maybe this is enough. Also, the next time he meets the idiot, if he does, he’s so going to punch him at least.
He looks at the sky in front of him meanwhile and it’s still that weird, creepy red-behind-the-clouds shade which makes it look like blood is dripping from it.
He hates that so much it isn’t even fun. He concentrates on bringing Cas closer. At a certain point the sniffing and the shaking slow down, but Dean doesn’t even try to let go there.
“Hey. You know he’s full of shit, right?”
“That’s... that’s a way to put it,” comes from someplace near his shoulder, and Dean is glad that at least Cas sounds slightly like he isn’t disagreeing too much.
“I’m sorry. For him too. Especially for him. He doesn’t know what he’s missing, but... his own fucking problem. Not yours and not mine.”
“Well, as long as you appreciate...”
Cas raises his head and sounds like he’s half-joking, but Dean doesn’t miss any possible implications and then just takes Cas’ chin in his hands, as careful as he can, and they kiss, and Dean was really trying to keep it just a kiss, but for once Cas takes the initiative and it becomes so not chaste, not when Cas’ tongue starts attempting to part his lips after maybe ten seconds. Dean lets him and then he’s being kissed like Cas was starved for it, and even if he tastes salt Dean doesn’t care and just kisses back as hard as he can. Cas moans into his mouth a couple of times and it’s almost obscene for how much it turns Dean on; not that Cas isn’t helping here, since his hands are trying to touch him anywhere they can reach. Dean sneaks his own under the coat and the shirt Cas is wearing and he brings him closer when he finds the small of his back. By this point they have started rubbing against each other without much finesse, not that he cares, and then he realizes that they are in a fucking car in the middle of fucking nowhere and they’re totally both so turned on; he can’t help laughing, and then Cas is doing that too even if he’s probably doing it because Dean is. He’s still half-crying but even if his eyes are slightly red and there are tear traces on his cheeks he sounds alright and Dean just laughs harder.
“What...” Cas asks, shaking his head.
“Jesus Christ, we’re groping each other in a freaking car. Last time I did this I was seventeen and the biggest problem around were cops possibly catching us.”
“Well, I never had the pleasure to do this whole car business, but I’ll agree that maybe we... Dean!”
Never say that Dean Winchester isn’t one for challenges, Dean thinks as his fingers unzip Cas’ jeans and then slowly bring them down. He tries not to undress him too much because it’s fucking cold, but still, he doesn’t really need much uncovered here.
“Well, I didn’t have the pleasure of doing somethin’ so risky in ages. Well, risky as far as it doesn’t imply ambushing someone. Why not?”
“Oh... God, Dean, you’re... you’re completely crazy, but... oh, God!”
“You really can’t lay that off while doing this, huh?” Dean asks as he angles Cas to a half-comfortable position with a hand steadying his shoulders and the other one on his cock, stroking slowly. “And I know I am. Isn’t that a good part of the reason you like me so much anyway?” he whispers, but Cas is clearly beyond worrying about what he’s saying and he’s definitely concentrating on what Dean’s doing. Which would consist in stroking just a bit faster, and then just a bit faster, his fingers reaching all the right places and well, you know, apart from being quite skilled here, Dean also knows exactly what it is that can get Cas off the most effective way. After four months, he knows it indeed, and he smirks as Cas’ head presses against his shoulder and he whispers, harder.
It doesn’t take much, as he had figured anyway; Cas comes hard against Dean’s hand a short while later, his face covered in a thin layer of sweat, ending up falling bonelessly against Dean (but Dean was already keeping Cas’ shoulders steady, so he was bracing himself for it). The windows of the car are pretty much steamed up and while Dean should also take care of his own business there, he’s so comfortable right now that it really can wait. Also, this wasn’t about him. It can wait. He doesn’t move until Cas raises his head, nods at him and starts pulling up his clothes again, even if in the cramped space it’s way, way hard.
“Dean?” Cas asks when he has buttoned the coat up and reached his seat again.
“Yeah?”
“Just... let’s go home?”
“Alright,” Dean answers as he turns on the engine, and since he really doesn’t need his right hand he lets it rest on the gear lever and when Cas’ covers it he speeds up.
January 24th, 2010
Dean Winchester is perfectly willing to admit that his brother is absolutely right, at times. So when this morning he was supposed to go on the supply run and Sam tried last year’s stunt, Dean had promptly said that Sam was indeed right and that today it was indeed his day off, and he would take care of everything, wouldn’t he?
Sam had nodded, looking pretty much utterly shocked, and Dean had returned into his cabin and into his bed which was definitely warm, not to mention not empty.
Today he feels especially good, though. Maybe because the day hadn’t brought anything to celebrate for years and now not only he feels like acknowledging it but it’s not just about his birthday anymore. Really, that’s the least.
It’s cold outside when he steps out; for a change, the sky is so white that it’s almost blinding to look at. Another wacky reaction that included some crap regarding the sun, rays reflecting and the perpetual clouds, but it’s not like he ever understood why it was like that so he just lets it go and goes to get something to eat instead. For the probably fifth time since he’s been here he actually sits at one table and Ellen is so shocked that she doesn’t even send him away because he came in way too late or way too early, depends how you look at it. She even gives him some out-of-rationing chocolate and he figures it’s good enough. Five minutes later he’s still nursing his coffee and Cas gets into the room and sits in front of him, the stupid coat still completely closed.
“Hey.”
“So you’re taking a vacation, I gather?”
“For once.”
“I can’t say that it doesn’t make me very pleased.”
“Does it now?”
Cas smiles softly, his hand grabbing Dean’s on the table, and he just loves how it’s such a normal gesture, something they could have done in some random diner in a world that doesn’t exist anymore. He grabs it back. Chuck passes by and whistles at the both of them. Dean tells him to fuck off, today everyone refers to Sam. Chuck raises an eyebrow, smiles nervously and disappears out of the door.
“Why do you always need to scare him?”
“Cas, the heck of a question. ‘S fun.”
“I doubt he agrees.”
Dean rolls his eyes, puts the remaining half of his chocolate in his pocket and stands up; Cas follows him and Dean wonders if he shouldn’t force him to eat something, but for now he’ll let it go. He feels just so good today that he just wants to enjoy it, knee hurting like fuck notwithstanding, even though now he can’t help making up all kinds of idiotic shit in his head.
“What are you thinking about?”
Touché. Cas does have a timing, huh.
“Nothin’. Just... if the world wasn’t so fucked up right now we could be having some serious coffee somewhere. And you know, actually do something instead of hole up here.”
“It could be worse, couldn’t it?”
“Well, yeah. Could be. Always the one seeing the glass half full, huh?”
“If it isn’t you, someone has to.”
“You’ve got a point, too. Hey, wanna take a walk?”
Cas nods and Dean stands up, waves at Ellen and they get outside. The air is cold, but for the first time in ages it almost feels clean. Even if it’s ridiculous that it’s half past nine in the morning and Dean can barely distinguish his shadow, for how blinding the light above him is. He walks slowly, Cas next to him. They somehow end up at that point in front of the fence where they kissed first and Dean feels like the worst sap ever existed, but then again they already go around camp holding fucking hands; his image is ruined anyway.
He wraps an arm around Cas’ waist and sighs when Cas leans back into him with such ease, like he always belonged there. He presses his cheek against Cas’ temple and sighs in contentment. He still isn’t anywhere near believing that someone is up there, but if there is, then they really have a thing for Dean. A huge thing. He tightens his hold and then Cas’ hand covers his own, their fingers intertwining, and if Dean thinks that last year at this time he was arguing with Sam and cursing his knee in his head... he tries not to think about it. The only similar thing is that his knee hurts like fuck, but that’s more often than not anyway.
“Dean?”
“Yeah?”
Cas reaches into the pocket of his coat with his free hand and presses something wrapped in a piece of that paper Chuck is always asking into Dean’s other free hand.
“What...”
“It isn’t exactly fancy, sorry for that.”
The piece of paper is actually all written on; Cas’ handwriting, alright. Dean thinks he can distinguish information about Gettysburg. He shakes his head and unwraps the already poor package, even if there’s something in the way Cas has actually folded it neatly that is almost cute. There are a couple of bars of chocolate inside.
Apple flavored. He’s out of his element for a second before he remembers that right before they kissed he had blathered about that dream in detail.
“First of all, where the hell did you find this? I... I can’t believe you remembered that.” Because dammit, sometimes random flavored chocolate ends up in the rations, but most times it’s plain dark. Or milk, or if you’re really lucky raspberry flavored, but how could someone find even a specific flavor is out of Dean’s imagination.
“Of course I remember that. About your first question... you don’t want to know. If you ask Ellen and Chuck they’ll probably say that I was a thorough nuisance during the last couple of months. It’s not exactly the same thing but you do with what you have.”
“Well, I’m more than fine with letting you three keep your secret,” Dean answers before placing the bars in his pocket and proceeding with kissing Cas senseless. He doubts that he’ll ever eat that stuff anytime soon, but just the fact that Cas remembered it and took the effort to find something close to it is enough to make him feel grateful.
“I’ll... I have this idea that I’ll keep at least one of these for the day I see a real apple again. And... thank you. You didn’t have to.”
“I would disagree about this. I did. Or... well, I wanted to anyway.”
“Fuck, you don’t know how glad I am that last year I didn’t listen to Sam. Best idea I ever had all my life.”
“Oh, I believe I do,” Cas whispers turning around in Dean’s arms and cupping his face with long, cold fingers that seem to instantaneously heat when they touch Dean’s skin. “And while I usually believe that Sam’s ideas are generally more sensed than yours...”
“... hey!”
“... there isn’t a single second that passes when I’m not grateful that you didn’t listen to him.”
Dean brings him closer tugging on the coat, feeling so happy that it almost hurts, and as he kisses Cas, he can’t help whispering yeah, me too against lips which shouldn’t be as chapped as they are. The cold, probably. He runs his tongue over them before kissing Cas again; Cas just closes any space that remained between them as his tongue meets Dean’s and it’s almost scary that it just seems like he can’t ever have enough. Not that he complains here, as long as he can keep on doing this, and he’s intent on doing this for a fucking lot of time.
He shivers all over for a second and for the same second he thinks, irrationally because that’s just how it is, that he can feel radioactivity leaking from the sky, the whiteness above him everything but comfortable, but it’s probably just because he still can’t help assuming the worst. He needs to work on that. This isn’t the case, he repeats in his head. They’re here and it’s now and well, this once he’ll make an effort and see the glass half full. After all, in front of him, or better, pressed against him with hands closed around Dean’s waist like they never want to let go, there’s the living proof that good things do happen. For now it’s everything he could ask for.
End.
