Fic, Lost: Somewhere Along the Line I Slipped off Track (Jack/Shannon), R

[janie_tangerine]

*bows in front of Queen eponine119 *

Title: Somewhere Along the Line I Slipped off Track
Rating: R
Characters: Jack/Shannon, implied Shannon/Boone and Jack/Boone
Words: 1000.
Summary: The only thing he says is that he’s sorry; it’s the only thing she says, too..
Spoilers: through The Greater Good.
Disclaimer: Lost is not mine. Why, would I write it in this setting if it was?
A/N: queen eponine119, asking for unusual pairings, expressed preference for Jack/Shannon. Now, I really tried, but being on the Jack/Boone side of the fence (and on the Boone side of the fence anyway) brought my head to this which I'm afraid is utterly depressing. I hope you like it anyway! *bows* using also for un_love_you #19, this isn't about you at all, even if it could be a bit of a cheat. Title stolen from Springsteen's One Step Up, which doesn't have a thing to do with this whatsoever.

It’s just so wrong and she shouldn’t and if Boone is watching them, he isn’t liking it.

She knows that Jack feels the same and it doesn’t help her feeling better. Not one little bit.

They just couldn’t not.

One second she was alone, remembering how the gun felt in her hand, knowing that by shooting she was also going against all of Boone’s principles but not caring about it enough, like she hadn’t cared enough about Boone’s side of the fence for the last two years in general, bile rising if she only thought about Sayid.

The second after, Jack was there in front of her, worn out, pale (he gave Boone his blood, right?), telling her that he was sorry and while he didn’t agree on the mean, he definitely agreed on Locke being the one responsible.

The second after, she had broken down crying again, unable to stop it, feeling absolutely and completely ashamed at doing it in front of Jack; she had been just a bit surprised when he had taken her in his arms and she had felt him crying against her, while Shannon’s head rested on his shoulder, her hands grabbing his shoulders with a strength she wasn’t even aware of having.

She had muttered something against his tear soaked shirt, maybe along the lines about of not being there to tell him she had loved him somewhat, and Jack had surprised her again whispering something along the lines of he was there and couldn’t tell Boone either.

Shannon had had an idea once that there was some tension. She hadn’t cared. Maybe she had been wrong, maybe she hadn’t, but she didn’t even want to know if Jack was referring to tension or to something more.

The kiss had happened. She doesn’t know when, how or why, but it did.

Now it’s Jack’s hands roaming along her stomach, his mouth on hers, her arms around his neck bringing him down. He tastes like salt, blood and sweat; she doesn’t know how she tastes like and she doesn’t even want to. She just knows that he’s been the last with Boone, that he gave him his own blood, that whatever still remains of Boone which isn’t his clothes is in Jack, in the hands that were the last to touch him and on the clothes he was wearing when he died, the same he’s wearing now.

There’s a sort of desperation behind the way Jack moves, the way he kisses her, the way his tongue slowly plunges into her mouth, in the way his hands shake while he undresses her; she knows she’s mirroring it in the way she tries to rush this, to make it faster, even if he doesn’t match her rhythm.

She can’t help going back to Sydney, where Boone had been slow with her, too, and she had tried to rush it, too. Everything to make it end as soon as possible. She feels even more ashamed now, on top of the shame.

The only thing he says is that he’s sorry; it’s the only thing she says, too.

She’s isn’t wearing her shirt and he’s still wearing his when he’s in her for the first time; her nails dig into his skin and she knows she’s leaving scratches. It hurts a lot and not much on the physical side, but she only bites his shoulder and there’s no pleasure when he comes, first, and she comes, later, the dirt on the ground sticking to the skin of them both. They don’t say anything; she knows her tear-stained face shows just how ashamed she is when Jack gives her his shirt to wear, since her own is so dirty with mud and earth that he probably doesn’t want her to wear it. She takes a look at Jack, her vision blurry, observing in his chest, his arms, his face, which should look strong but seem so incredibly weak now, his motions so slow. She knows it’s the same for her; she should be beautiful or at least look pretty enough, but she can feel the mess her hair is (there’s mud there, too), her feet hurt, one of the shoes she kicked off is broken, she can’t even wear her clothes and Jack’s shirt is warm but too big on her. Not to talk about the mess her face has to be.

It’s dark outside and she wonders briefly what Sayid is doing, feeling like crying again because maybe he was right and maybe she has messed everything up again, but it hurts just so much that she can’t even begin to think straight. She can’t and she can only be grateful when Jack’s arm passes around her shoulder and she lets her head lie on his. She doesn’t even try to close her eyes and pretend it’s Boone; they are, were, Jack is and Boone was, she doesn’t know any more, way too different to even try. But she doesn’t care and it’s more or less right because while her and Jack couldn’t be more different, she feels like they’re sharing something now and he’s probably the only one really understanding the utter feeling of powerlessness that has taken hold of her since he spoke those three words to her the day before the funeral.

Knowing why isn’t really the point of the matter, right? The only point is that Boone is dead, they aren’t and he probably would be disgusted at the both of them, but well, thinking more about it, maybe he wouldn’t. He just wasn’t the kind, she thinks, and the sensation it brings is so strangely bittersweet.

“You said you were there until the end, right?” she asks, her voice trembling.

“I was,” he answers, his voice tight. It looks like he can’t hold himself together for more than two words.

“Thanks,” it’s the only thing she can bring herself to say. He nods and just holds her a bit tighter. It will have to do.

End.

Comments

[elliotsmelliot.livejournal.com]

Oh my. These are things people do when they grieve. These are the things people do when they are Jack and Shannon. I haven't felt so much in a fic in a long time.

I loved the details about Shannon and Jack's clothes and the mud. It was an excellent metaphor for their messy lives and messy coupling. They might have not felt much pleasure and are soaked in shame but I think they feel better than when they started, if that makes any sense. You say it best in this line:

She just knows that he’s been the last with Boone, that he gave him his own blood, that whatever still remains of Boone which isn’t his clothes is in Jack, in the hands that were the last to touch him and on the clothes he was wearing when he died, the same he’s wearing now.

It was an amazing point and expressed in such a powerful way.

Thanks for writing this.

[janie-tangerine.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you so much! You really flatter me here. I probably should have known beforehand that trying to write Jack/Shannon would have brought me there again but since they were the two I had identified most during the dreadful 1x20/21 couplet I figured I could bring them together that way.

They might have not felt much pleasure and are soaked in shame but I think they feel better than when they started, if that makes any sense

Oh, it does make sense. It's exactly what I was trying to do there and I hoped that in the end they would look better than before, at least. So yeah, you totally do. And I'm really glad you picked that line, it's actually the one I sort of liked best in all of this. Thank you so much, I'm really so happy you liked it! *is completely flattered*

[lenina20.livejournal.com]

wow! this is great! :D And painful - but I love how it makes perfect sense, the combinations of their griefs, the guilt and the pain and the desperation. I loved it - I especially liked the description of the encounter and Shannon's bittersweet feelings, the feeling of having messed up - very Shannon - and the tenderness of knowing that Boone wouldn't have judged her, like every time she hurt him, when she was actually hurting herself.

Brilliant work!!! :D:D:D:D

[janie-tangerine.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I really don't know why as soon as I read Jack/Shannon my head decided to smack me and say that it was obvious that they'd get together over shared grief (also mine, but sadly they didn't want threesomes..), but it made sense and I'm really so glad it worked.

knowing that Boone wouldn't have judged her, like every time she hurt him, when she was actually hurting herself.

That exactly. See, he was too good for this world. Definitely too good. *sigh*

I'm so glad you liked it, thank you so much!

[halfdutch.livejournal.com]

Oh, I really liked this hon. Very heartfelt and believable, these two coming together in their grief like this.

[janie-tangerine.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! It's probably because I'd ship Boone with either before shipping them actually so the connection just came, but I'm really glad it worked. Thanks again, I'm really glad you liked it!

[elise-509.livejournal.com]

This is really sad and gut-wrenching, babe (in a good way). I love the details of their clothes and how it is not pleasurable for either of them, but is about the sharing of their pain and their grief. I like the final verbal exchange between them especially.

[janie-tangerine.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I figured that in such a setting it wouldn't be a joy ride for either, but they were the two I was mostly identifying with during Do No Harm/Greater Good and I figured they could get together over such a thing. I'm really glad the final exchange worked, I was borderline over keeping it or not so it's great to know it had sense in this context. Thank you so much, I'm really happy you liked this one!

[demonqueen666.livejournal.com]

She just knows that he’s been the last with Boone, that he gave him his own blood, that whatever still remains of Boone which isn’t his clothes is in Jack, in the hands that were the last to touch him and on the clothes he was wearing when he died, the same he’s wearing now.

Beautiful. There's just a lot of great detail you put in here, very evocative. You're right to say it feels very dark, but it also feels true to the characters and I wouldn't have it any other way.

[janie-tangerine.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I'm really glad you found it true to the characters and that you liked it, especially that bit which is probably my favorite. That episode and the previous one are still the ones in Lost that make me want to cry just thinking about them and it's great to know I made a good job with these. Thanks again!

[eponine119.livejournal.com]

Oooh. Very complicated, on so many levels. This is fantastic!

[janie-tangerine.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, I'm really so glad you liked it! *bows*

[slybrunette.livejournal.com]

This is grief. It ain't pretty but it's grief and it's way to deal with it and it's a way they would deal with it and that is what makes this so great.

I loved every heartbreaking, emotion-filled piece of this.

[janie-tangerine.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you so much! I'm really so glad you liked it. It just seemed like a plausible way for them both to deal with, you know, the dreadful thing as I call it, and it makes me really happy to know I managed to have them IC with this. And that it was good even if it wasn't pretty at all ;) thank you so much again!

[inthekeyofd.livejournal.com]

I love the way you TOLD this story, sort of like.."I did this..but it's all right, right?" in that sort of offhand way that people will say or do something and then try to justify it, really REALLY great decision to do that!!

You know, in the beginning I really wasn't a fan of Shannon's, but I ended up liking her and really wish she had stayed around, and I can totally see them doing this, for some reason I've always sort of thought they really weren't all that different.

Very very well done!!

[janie-tangerine.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I'm really so glad you liked how I dealt with this!

To be honest, being the Boone whore that I am, I started liking Shannon only when she started having the thing with Sayid because before I totally couldn't get behind how mean she was to him. Then The Greater Good happened and we were on mostly great terms, except she had to die. *sigh* I'm really glad this worked for you in this case, I so wish she had stayed around, either. Thanks again!

[alemyrddin.livejournal.com]

Boone is your muse even if he's dead... it's impressive.
You have such a good grasp on him, and on how his life affected both Shannon and Jack... it was sad, but it also felt right that they would find comfort in each other, because it's true that he’s probably the only one really understanding the utter feeling of powerlessness.
I loved their first awkward hug, both of them crying, and the ending line too.

[janie-tangerine.livejournal.com]

Ha, he totally is. I should be worried about that maybe, but since getting him to be a character here even if he wasn't really present was the target all along I won't surely be ;)

Thank you so much, I'm really so glad you liked this one and my take on how they could have come together! ♥

[astra2104.livejournal.com]

There’s a sort of desperation behind the way Jack moves, the way he kisses her, the way his tongue slowly plunges into her mouth, in the way his hands shake while he undresses her; she knows she’s mirroring it in the way she tries to rush this, to make it faster, even if he doesn’t match her rhythm.

Oh. Oh this is sad and sexy at the same time, and it does both characters perfect justice. Coincidently I've just read elise509's Jack/Shannon, and this fits perfectly after it.

So good.

[janie-tangerine.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, I'm really glad you liked this one! I loved elise_509's one and it's awesome that we got the same idea for it.. guess they inspire it ;) thanks again! ♥

[siluria]

I love the angst and darkness in this fic. I have to admit that I struggle to see Jack and Shannon together, but when it's written like this, then I feel that there is justification. This is a really well written piece.

[janie-tangerine.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It's not really my pairing either I have to say and that's probably the reason for which I needed Boone to get them to work, so if it's not yours either I'm even more glad that you liked! Thanks again ♥ ;)